Throwaway People
Date: August 19th, 2009
Category: Inspiration
By Robert Ringer
A couple of weeks ago, my wife and I had an appointment in Arlington, Virginia. As we were walking toward our destination, we noticed a thin, elderly lady standing near the street corner. She was exceptionally well groomed, and dressed in a colorful, neatly pressed outfit.
Leaning on her cane, she was looking around in what appeared to be a confused manner. We were concerned, because the temperature was well into the nineties, and it was a very humid day. As we approached her, my wife asked if she needed any help. She smiled sweetly and said that she was looking for her bank, but was not certain she was walking in the right direction.
She went on to explain that she had glaucoma and could not see very well. When she gave us the name of her bank, I told her that it was just on the other side of the street, and said we would be happy to help her across. She appeared to be pleased by the offer.
My wife and I took hold of her arms, waited for the streetlight to change, then slowly helped her to the other side. As we approached the curb, she explained that even though she was not totally blind, she could not see the curb clearly enough to be sure she wouldn’t trip and fall.
We carefully guided her up over the curb and onto the sidewalk in front of the bank. She assured us that she could make it into the bank on her own, so we wished her a nice day and began to turn away. Then, suddenly, the kindly little lady began talking to us about her life and her family. She said she was ninety, and her eldest sister was still alive at age ninety-nine. She also mentioned that she had another sister who had passed away.
Several times, I said that we had to be running along to avoid being late for our appointment — and each time, she went on to another subject … her deceased husband … her osteoporosis … her son who was a medical doctor. She seemed genuinely excited to have someone to talk to, and clearly did not want the conversation with two strangers to end.
It was obvious that she was lonely. One side of me wanted to stay and talk to her for as long as she wished, but the “responsible” side of me was thinking of our appointment. Awkwardly, we finally ended the conversation.
As my wife and I walked away, we turned around and watched that adorable little lady walk, with considerable difficulty, toward the door to the bank. I couldn’t help wondering if her doctor-son knew that his mom was walking by herself to the bank in 90-degree heat.
As a result of that unexpected encounter in Arlington, many thoughts drifted through my mind the remainder of the afternoon. First and foremost, I thought about my ninety-nine-year-old mother. My mother was the ultimate housewife/mom at a time when such an occupation was considered noble. She spoiled the heck out of me, and I loved every minute of it. More important, I loved her to pieces … and still do.
I remembered how, from the time I was about six years old, whenever I spotted the smallest bit of debris on the floor, I would pick it up and throw it in the wastebasket because I didn’t want my mom to have to bend over. Now, with six children of my own, I’m still in awe of the fact that she, merely by being who she was, motivated me enough to want to spare her any unnecessary work.
I’m thankful that, in their senior years, I was able to do so much for, and with, my parents. A fabulous trip to Hawaii, full of joy and laughter, comes quickly to mind. Sunday night dinners at Matteo’s and gourmet meals at The Bistro in Beverly Hills, too. Having lived through the golden age of Hollywood, my mom and dad got a big kick out of eating at celebrity haunts like these.
I also thought about how long it’s been since I visited my mother … and about the time, when my brother-in-law’s mother died and I offered my condolences, he said, in a reflective tone, “You only have one.” As we go about our day-to-day lives, I guess it’s pretty easy to forget the obvious.
Hugh Downs, himself nearing ninety, is convinced that there is more prejudice against the elderly than any other group in our society. He is especially offended by the cry to get “older, dangerous” drivers off the road. As he puts it, “We should get all dangerous drivers off the road.”
I think one of the chief reasons we tend to brush aside the elderly is that the society we live in is not only drowning in materialism and narcissism, but is a throwaway society as well. No one fixes anything anymore. When something is broken, you just throw it in the trash can … and then buy a new and better model.
So it’s only natural that we do the same thing with old people, right? After all, they can’t be fixed, so why not just throw them away? It’s too bad we place so little value on the elderly, because, on the whole, they have so much to offer … wisdom … purity of thought … and, above all, tranquility. If the medical community could transplant an eighty-year-old brain into a twenty-one-year-old skull, one can only imagine how much better the life of the young person who owned that skull would likely turn out.
I believe it’s healthy to be conscious of the fact that we’re all on our way to the same destination: old age (provided we’re luckier than the Tim Russerts and Tony Snows among us). And when we arrive at that destination, let’s hope that we won’t be walking down a street alone, cane in hand, barely able to see the curb. And that our children will visit us often.
As Katharine Hepburn once said, “Life is hard. After all, it kills you.”
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August 19th, 2009 at 9:03 am
Robert,
As I draw ever closer to the “senior” years (I am now 59) I get more and more aware there is less and less concern about any residual value in my skills and experiences. Sad to say it now appears we are close to a cultural decision, according to my understanding of the health care czar, that we olde folks are not to be considered for help using the scarce medical resources. Really sad to think we are that lacking in value to Dr. E. Emanuel. I valued every minute of time I could get with my Dad and keenly felt the loss when he passed. I can only hope my two adult children will at least miss me when I am gone, if they are too busy to visit me while I am yet here.
I think the current President, and his team, really have a poor value system in place. I just cannot understand why. Orientals value their elders, Africans value their elders, and in fact almost every one but the US and some European countries value the elders in their countries.
Thanks for the article, made me think a bit.
Ken Wallin
http://www.linkedin.com/in/kmwallin
August 19th, 2009 at 9:22 am
Great post.
If you haven’t watched this short video, I’d highly recommend doing so as it fits right in line with this topic. Hope you like it….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNK6h1dfy2o
August 19th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
I enjoyed the reflective quality of your posting.
However, I have been offended by this administration’s callous approach to all of us.
More than any other group in America that I can
think of, this administration has no value for
fetuses (long a trademark of the liberal mindset), they have no value for the elderly (as seen by
the proposals to the health care legislation) and
they only value the rest of us to the degree that
we are life support systems for paying taxes.
Once we lose that ability to be taxed or used for
their purposes, we are all “throwaway people” to them. Look at how they treat concerned citizens that show up to express themselves at the town hall
meetings.
I would be interested in your ideas on how to stop
this moral slide.
August 19th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
I can relate to both sides of the age group represented in this entry. I am,thankfully, in good health with signs of slow deterioration in physical skills and mental capacity but very happy to be in this stage of my life. I appreciate your comments and share many of your views.
August 20th, 2009 at 8:46 am
After working in a retirement home for the elderly for 23 years doing building maintenance – and observing – I really think that as a population we do value our elderly we just can’t seem to find the time for them.
The problem seems to be a result of fragmented families. By this I mean that families have gotten themselves into a situation where both parents have to work outside the home in order to sustain the chosen lifestyle.
This has some good consequences in that women can now provide themselves economic self support. We do not have to tolerate abusive or controlling behaviors in men anymore.
The bad consequences are that children (if allowed to be born) are often raised by the cheapest provider of child care and there is no one to take care of grandma.
“I don’t want to be a burden to my children” is an often cited comment by the elderly. An extended family used to be the norm. Now it is even more unheard of than a stay at home mom!
I suspect this drastic change in family structure has contributed toward the increasing tendency of people to look toward government to solve their problems. After all, with no strong family to rely on who else is there?
Perhaps there is a change coming and families will once again value the presence of both the very young and the very old in their homes. I think this would be a great thing to see.
August 20th, 2009 at 10:53 am
We just lost my mother in law earlier this year, after an over seven year long battle with dementia and cancer. If you want to see throwaway people, look in any dementia unit. See all these once independent and productive people and what they have become, through no fault of their own, their bodies simply outlived their minds. The only blessing for mom was she never knew what she’d become.
But as sad and emotionally gripping as it is, what do we do with these people? My wife spent 4 days a week, every week, for the seven years of her mom’s decline (and in fact, the decline really started some years earlier). It isn’t enough. 24/7 isn’t enough. Yet, you can’t put your own life on hold either. She would have missed a lot in the raising of our own kids.
Do we pull the plug on them? No. Absolutely not. But what do you do with them? Caring for them is a long hard road. Mom could be docile one minute, and aggressive, agitated and violent the next. Take care of her at home? Impossible. Take that on while you try to raise 3 young children? Insane and out of the question.
I think the thing to remember is there are reasons for everything, even though we don’t understand them all. You did a very good deed helping that old lady to the bank. Probably saved her a fall that would put an end to the little independence she has left and ultimately finish her off. Hopefully there will be a Good Samaritan the next time she needs to cross a street. She is as entitled to live what’s left of her life as you are to yours and I am to mine. Somewhere, something will happen to her, to you, to me, to all of us – it’s reality, Robert.
August 20th, 2009 at 11:03 am
The problem, as I see it, is that many of the politicians that have been elected have the values and maturity level of children.
Being that so many Americans also have these same values as these politicians that were elected, a good majority of American people cannot see the pandering and folly of it all. Unfortunately, there are too many Americans who refuse to mature, grow up, and take personal responsibility for their own lives and needs. Post 60’s Americans have been pampered and lived relatively good lives without really laying a solid foundation under their own autonomy and self reliance, and too many feel that it’s actually the government’s responsibility to assure that these desires are provided for, even though some of us recognize and understand that it’s always at the expense of someone else. Government produces nothing. The hubris now being display by the comments of Reid, Pelosi, Frank,etc. shows exactly the gravity of perceptions in how our politicians believe that we work for them, instead of the other way around.
America has truly made poor choices in choosing our leaders, and at present, the nation as a whole is getting exactly what it deserves. Alas, some of us who saw the entire picture developing and now are stuck with the present crop of socialists, are being dragged down with the people who actually deserve it.
Being that medical care would have to be rationed under the current proposals, human life becomes nothing more than another secular commodity and valued on that basis for treatment, to the designers and proponents of the new government run health care system.
August 21st, 2009 at 11:39 pm
I read this and didn’t want to be cynical about it, but I couldn’t help it…
My elderly father died with an enormous (huge) amount of money in the bank in trusts for his four children (but it was really profit put in these trusts to protect that money in case his business failed so he would have it, we found out later) and yet, he didn’t do a thing to help any of us or his nine grandchildren while he was alive. And he could have done a lot. He could have changed so many lives of those he knew by spreading some of that fortune around. He never did. He was never caring and compassionate toward others, not even his own children.
This rich man who was quite a celebrity was a hard drinker and a high-rolling Las Vegas gambler who died a horribly painful death from diabetes and non-Hodgkins lymphoma a couple of years ago and refused to make things right with me and another sister and our children before he died.
When I received my share of all that money after his death, I gave most of it away to help my kids and others I knew who needed financial help, even some people I didn’t know but saw on local TV going through such terrible hardships that I just had to step forward and give thousands of dollars to them. And I did.
I have an elderly mother who suffered a severe stroke a few years ago and has a small apartment in assisted living in another state that we see, maybe once a year, but there are so many old wounds from being raised by this abusive, selfish woman who didn’t even care to see her grandchildren for years on end that it’s difficult to spend a week with her. Why? Because we just plain don’t want to.
Writers like you tend to romanticize and write so compassionately about the elderly, trying to make the rest of us feel guilty about their hardships, but it’s my feeling that we reap what we sow in the end.
Treat your children and others badly during your lifetime and that’s what you will get in the end. They will hardly see you or care about you. Be a good, loving kind parent – they’ll be there to help you lovingly through the “sunset” in your life.
It’s not about feeling sorry for these these elderly people. It’s what they “do” that matters over the years in the lives of others. If you aren’t ever-present and giving to others, why should anyone be there for you?
“Garbage in, garbage out” as they say. As far as I’m concerned, my own children and others in my life will give me what I deserve when I am on a cane as the woman in the article Robert Ringer wrote in the article.
My thought is that this article on “Throwaway People” is lopsided in the sense that a lot of elderly people get what they deserve as a result of the lives they’ve led. I don’t expect Robert Ringer or anyone else who writes such articles would ever ackowledge that.
What a shame…they really should.